The beginning

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The sun this morning was a bit hard to find. Like the vodka in my orange juice last night.

One less thing to wonder… Do I remember Russian? I taught a class of 30 4th and 5th graders the russian alphabet today. It went well, though the euphoria was limited. The only lingering affect is the ink on my fingertips from the overhead.

Papa

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Papa, how old are you now?
Is there a dream you had that you can now live?
Do angels prop up your arms and carry you?
Are you an anchor to the suspended reality of heaven?

When you watch me do you wonder at my lack of self awareness?
Do you want to push me forward – angel hands on my back?
Am I less or more than what you would want?
I sense that maybe.. just that what I am is enough

I am grateful for what you gave me.
I am, I think, a handsome man as you.
I am intelligent and wise and wanting more knowledge
I disdain the popular moment. I am. Living the moment

Anticipating the future. When I fell you held me up
But scolded me for falling. When my wife left me,
You smiled and told me, She is a very selfish person.
And I awoke from that nightmare.

Papa, I know you are still there.
Watching and letting me live. Maybe throwing words
Through friends’ mouths, in flashing text
To keep me awake and aware.

I will try to keep moving.
I will deal with what comes my way.
I will control it when I can.
I will let go and experience the rest.

closed morals

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He closed his eyes morals so high
He thought there were clouds in the sky

Carl sat a distant look on his face.
Staring a monkey, he thought himself
Less of a man. The red bikini bottoms
on the beach flipped sand on his trousers

He runs through the dripping rain
And the wind fights to hold him

White teeth so sparkling invite Carl
Sharks to giant waves washing wet
over the glistening bouncing skin
covered in those tiny red triangles.

His eyes are open shouting incantations
A lunge of withheld desperation

Laughter so sweet feathers sprout
a proud accordion display spinning
his mind like that little puppy
so desperate to bite it’s own tail.

October 11th, 2002 My dad died today

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Dad,

I’ve watched mountains in the distance creep closer for hours until finally we were upon them.
I’ve seen water flow by in rivers and seem to never end, fighting fish all the way
I’ve seen rain and snow and the sun creep by day by day
And people pass me every day.
I don’t know them, they don’t know me
We may bump shoulders or elbows, but we may never see each other again.
I’ve seen them, I know them living, standing active beasts that they are
Underneath them, I know the ground is firm.
I know the earth is solid and pushes back on them.
But I wonder where their faith comes from.
Why do they believe in their steps?
Why do they believe in where they are going?
What is their future?
Do they know?
Do they care?
I don’t know my future. But I know my ground is firm.
Rooted perhaps a bit too firmly. Steadfast in the green lushness of the fertility;
Earth.
It gives life that grows green and brown and blooming.
Constant, this strength.
Timeless, this faith I have is not rooted in God.
It’s rooted in an understanding.
It’s all put together.
It all serves the other in intrinsic graceful circles.
The flower blooms and the bee flourishes and the flower blooms…
I am but a bud on this earth.
I have faith in my roots.
I have faith in the full blossom of life.
I have faith in the day my petals will brown and feed the earth.
My ground is firm and pushes back, as my father’s was.
The nourishment is not forgetful.
Faith is rooted in the earth and it grows lush and green.
Its blossoms sparkle on the mountainside.

Happiness?

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I wrote this for a class my sophomore year at Eastern Washington University – hence the date I chose for the post. It was a Senior Level Philosophy class called Happiness. One 4 hour class a week. There were 7 of us in the class. We sat around and discussed happiness and in the end, I wrote this paper. It’s a bit dense… but I still think about it as I go through life.

I also learned that the folks likely to take a class called Happiness, aren’t likely to be too happy.

Happiness?

“Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” Thomas Jefferson’s statement of what every person should be allowed is one of great historical importance. It is also a statement that I had pondered even before I took this class. I had no problems with “life” and “liberty”, but the right to pursue happiness seemed rather redundant. Having realized that happiness is what I, and seemingly all others, are striving for in our lives; isn’t it something that we would strive for regardless of what the law may say? Even if it prohibited us from pursuing happiness, only a few extremely different people would follow it, and then they would be feeling some degree of this very happiness that they are supposed to avoid. What I’m trying to say is that no matter what anyone says, does, thinks, knows, doesn’t know, or writes down as a constitutional right, people are still going to be pursuing happiness. Just because that is the only thing we know how to do. In saying this I am not saying that everyone “is” pursuing happiness in the “correct”or “easiest” way, I’m just saying that they are trying. In my life, I hope to find a fairly expedient path to follow to reach happiness. I also hope that this easy path is close to the one I will try to outline here, as this would definitely add to my happiness.
One of the examples we used in class concerned two ditch diggers who are, naturally, digging a ditch. They’re working in the rain and standing in a great deal of mud. One of them is having a grand old time and the other only desires to be somewhere else. The reason for their differing opinions comes from what is going on in their minds. What is it that is going on in these men’s minds that makes them either happy or unhappy? It could be that the happy one is just a fool, but for the sake of argument, let’s assume that he is not. The levels of happiness that these two men are feeling could be the result of many different mental goings on. The mentality that would constitute the mentally happy person, the first digger, could be seen as a high level of well being, while the unhappy digger would be suffering from a low level of well being. A level of well being high enough to achieve a positive degree of happiness occurs when there are greater positive factors than negative factors. In essence working as a scale. The major things that are measured on this scale could be self acceptance, physical needs, goals, atmosphere, variety and luck.

The self acceptance is perhaps the most important element in a person’s well being. A person with a very high level of self acceptance in all regards will be happy in almost any situation, except for in cases where the bare minimum of physical needs are not met, which will be covered later. In order for a person to have high self acceptance they must, of course, accept themselves. Not only must they accept themselves but they must accept their true self. Any self deception will work against them on the scale. Along with self acceptance also follows the person’s morals. These morals will depend a great deal upon the person’s level of self acceptance. A person with very high self acceptance will automatically have very highly developed and correct morals, as a person without correct morals must have lied to themselves at some point. Besides authenticity, or self honesty, the feedback the person receives from others can also be very important. It is not necessary but it can help to build ones self acceptance by letting them see how they affect others. This feedback can also have a great deal of effect if it is negative, bringing a person’s self acceptance down a great deal. Because of this negative aspect most people will need to be socially acceptable to a high degree in order to have a high self acceptance level.

A key element to self acceptance can be easily handled by companionship. It can be very helpful and supportive to receive feedback from a person who knows all of the ins and outs of your psyche. Feedback of a positive nature from a person that is so close and also very trustworthy can override any negative feedback that might be received from the rest of society.

When dealing with the image of the scale, the bare minimum of physical needs is of great importance. If a person’s minimum needs are not met this would be a very strong negative, which could outweigh even the highest self acceptance. But when these needs are met in excess it does not add weight to the positive side. For the most part needs will only affect the scale negatively and only when they are not completely met. So, having one’s physical needs met can not provide happiness, but it does make happiness a possibility.

Another element that could be seen as being able to act negatively but not positively would be, a level of security. This would include the needs for warmth and for food. A person needs to know that there is a place for them to go that they can be warm and also have food without having to worry too much about whether it will stay there. The idea of a safe place to go is a very important one for the development of a high self image. Without a safe place it is very difficult for the mind to grow – it has other things to worry about. If the mind doesn’t have to worry about where it is going to sleep or what it’s body is going to eat, then it has room to develop and achieve a high level of well being.

Sometimes happiness is equated with feeling good. Feeling good does not always insure happiness. It is true that feeling good can add to the positive side of the scale but it is not necessarily enough to provide happiness on its own. It can also be said that feeling pain can not be equated with unhappiness but, as before, it will add a great deal to the negatives and could well lead to a state of unhappiness.

How a person chooses their goals can play a major role in a person’s well being. Getting back to the example of the ditch diggers. The only difference between the two may be in their goals. The happy man may have decided that just to be able to dig would be enough for him, while the other’s goal may be to get done with the digging as quickly as possible, and maybe it isn’t going as quickly as he had expected – hence making him unsatisfied. In the cases described the happy digger has set a goal that is, and can be continually met, while the unhappy digger set a goal that can only be attained once and he won’t feel happy until he reaches it. This seems to reflect an idea of how a goal of enjoying life would work much better in achieving happiness than a goal which would include going after specific moments.

“Yipeeeeee!” A break in the monotony. Self acceptance is not always going to be able to maintain happiness when there is too much repetition. The mind will begin to get bored and find negative aspects where it wasn’t able to see them before. For instance, getting back once again to the two ditch diggers. Suppose that the only difference between the two was that the happy one had just gotten there after working in an office for some extended period of time and the unhappy one has been there for a week. Even if the unhappy one had enjoyed digging initially he may have begun to notice every little slug or raindrop while the happy guy doesn’t’ even take any notice of them because he’s just glad to be somewhere other than the office. What can also be said about this situation is that it is very limited. The topic of the activity is very narrow and not mentally stimulating in the long run. Which could be why the unhappy digger has become so unhappy. In order to maintain a sense of variety it is necessary to keep one’s horizons broad enough to allow in new things. These new things don’t even have to be wonderful, they just need to be different but they mustn’t damage the person’s self acceptance or take away a basic physical need.

Often, when a person encounters a familiar situation, they will feel a familiar degree of well being. In essence they have learned how happy they should be in specific situations. Going back to the ditch diggers once again. It could be that the only difference between the two comes from their prior experiences in “the ditch” element. The happy guy may be brought back to the days when he was a boy digging an underground fort with his friends. The unhappy fellow may be a veteran from trench warfare and even feel a degree of fear while hi is in the ditch. It is not necessary that these histories are consciously brought forth. They may only be a tiny glimmer or shadow in the back of the person’s mind, but they do play a part in a person’s well being. This feeling of remembrance can be overridden by a high (or low) self acceptance, or by being so caught up the moment that the remembrance is lost. When psychologists have to deal with patients that have intense problems with certain everyday experiences they will often force the person into the situation when they have a high self acceptance. The idea is to rid them of their illogical fears, but if the positive feeling isn’t great enough the problem will remain or return at some later date. This can also be applied to the negative side. A very positive remembrance isn’t likely to be destroyed by a small negative experience. But an awful experience could destroy it totally.

A great deal can be said about the general mood of the populace. It would be very difficult for a person to be happy in a society where everyone else is openly unhappy. It would be equally unlikely for a person to be very unhappy if everyone else was in a state of ecstasy. The reasons behind this are obvious but at the same time not so obvious. It just seems to be contagious. People worry a great deal about how other people feel and are greatly influenced by other people’s actions. No matter what the reasons are for the people to be happy or unhappy. In some cases it may be possible to override the feeling from the general populous with a very strong or weak self acceptance but for the most part contagiousness rules.

There is one element in everybody’s life that people often find hard to accept. This element is luck. This luck includes anything that the person does not have complete control over. Everything from where a person is born to who the person marries can fit somehow under the category of luck. Even though luck can add substantially to one side of the scale or the other it does not have to be the determining factor. Except for in the extreme cases when a person’s life of luck is put together it will most likely come close to balancing itself out. Even if it doesn’t balance itself out a person that is authentic should be able to realize that, in the case that it was bad luck, it is, just that, bad luck. Realizing this, and that they don’t have control over themselves in that situation, should allow them to balance it out fairly effectively with a good attitude. In almost no circumstances will a person with a very high self image be adversely affected by luck to the point that they will be unhappy.

In summary, the person that has their bare minimum of physical needs met and has high self acceptance will most likely lead a happy life. The other factors mentioned will often follow if the person has high self acceptance. A person with a high self acceptance will most likely be seeking variety, a good atmosphere, companionship , and be setting their goals in a manner that will provide them with their happiness. Self acceptance can be used to provide all these other things and that is why self help is probably the most encountered method used in books for achieving happiness.

I got a high “B” in the class. I think it was mostly because I didn’t miss a day.